It’s been exactly a month since I rang my warehouse manager at 7am to tell her I didn’t think we could continue safely working as a team. We took the decision to keep staff at home and advised everyone to stay put. I ran payroll early, paid everyone through the end of the month, and then sat down to figure out how to proceed. I’m still working on it.
In some ways, it doesn’t feel like a month has passed. While I do lose track of the days of the week, I work most mornings – which has helped give me some structure. I’ve been getting up and going to bed at roughly the same time every day, and trying (not always succeeding) to cook and eat meals at regular intervals. It isn’t easy to make things feel normal when they’re most definitely not.
The most surprising thing is how much time slips away every day. I know there are quite a few hours during the day when I’m not occupied, but I don’t know where they go, and I have no memory of what I’ve done with them. I expected I’d be reading a lot, but I find it difficult to concentrate for more than a page or so. Even watching TV is a bit of a chore and I can only manage an hour or so a day. Nothing holds my interest.
Sleep is weird, too. I’m doing manual labour every day, and feel physically tired most nights, but I don’t sleep well. I either have strange anxiety dreams that leave me feeling drained, or I awake several times before morning.
Emotionally, I’m all over the place. I can still laugh when I find things amusing (and I do) but I also find myself tearing up at the slightest thing. There are times I feel calm and in control, and others when my heart is literally racing and I know I’ll have a panic attack if I don’t intervene.
I know I’m not alone in a lot of this, and I imagine most everyone is feeling something similar. However it’s going for you, I hope you’re coping as well as you can be.
4 replies on “Checking In”
With you there in most of what you say – can’t read , can’t focus. My saviour is my garden – I have sown a bundle of vegetable seeds and now as strong seedlings am aiming in the next week or so to plant them out – peas; French beans; spinach ; carrots; sunflowers; lettuce. Turned my lawn into a no-dig veggie plot.
Must be difficult to lay people off. Very difficult. Just to let you know I am reading you blog and wishing it was different but making the most of a difficult situation.
Stay strong and keep doing what you are doing.
I’m happy to hear you’re gardening. We are too, and it’s such a privilege. We have kale, lettuce, tomatoes, and squash on the go this year. I don’t really have a viable plot, so most everything is in pots in the greenhouse.
I’m lucky in that I have only had to furlough employees and not lay them off. The government has extended that scheme, so there is good news for our employees who aren’t working right now. They’re secure until June.
Hoping you and yours are all well and healthy. x
I hear you. We managed to stock up on a pile of jigsaws before lockdown, which turned out to be one of the most inspired things we achieved. It means one, or both, of us can lose a few hours doing something vaguely constructive. I have been knitting, but even with that my focus is fragmented – that’s my word of choice just now. Sending you love.
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I’m sure I replied to this yesterday, but maybe I DMed? Fragmented focus again!